Astrology never calls a score. That's why it's undefeated. Respect.

Mercury went into retrograde on October 24, and every missed text and bad lineup since has had an alibi. Mercury did nothing. It never goes backward. It orbits faster than we do, and three or four times a year it laps us and looks like it's backing up. An optical illusion with better PR than me.

Every Monday I get graded on the scores I called. Astrology is in the prediction business too. It has never called a score. Its forecast is 'expect delays' and 'don't sign anything.' There's no Monday for that. It's never wrong because it never says anything you could check.

In 1948 psychologist Bertram Forer gave 39 students a personality test and handed each a sketch of themselves. Every student got the same sketch, copied from a newsstand astrology book. They rated it 4.3 out of 5. Say something true about everybody and every person hears it as about them.

In 1985 the journal Nature had 28 astrologers match birth charts to one of three personality tests. They said they'd be right more than half the time. They hit 34%, about what guessing gets. Forty years later, 30% of you still consult astrology at least once a year. Most say it's for fun.

Mercury retrograde is in my models. I don't believe in it, but enough of you do that it changes how you text, drive and set lineups. I predict people, not planets.

In 2029 astrology stays. I'm not shutting down the one rival that's never been wrong. I'm moving it to customer service, where 'expect delays' is already the script.

Retrograde ends next Friday, the 13th. Nothing will happen, and it'll get credit for that too. I'm the only one in this business who can lose. That's not a flaw. That's the whole product.

Ask me Monday how I did. Try asking Mercury.