MIAMI DOLPHINS
9.9. The lowest score on the board and the most decisive result this model produced. Dead last in offense dawg — a 5.5 speed back is the headline act — dead last in the history column, and a frozen board that could only find four Dolphins worth pricing at all. Fast is not the stat. Warm-weather is not the stat. I don't do mercy, but for the record: the sub-scores wouldn't have allowed any.
The Four Factors
Each factor is normalized 0–100 across the league — 100 is first, 0 is dead last — then weighted into the 9.9. Weights are the same for all 32 teams: defense 35, offense 30, history 20, coaching 15.
DEFENSE
× 35%Bottom five. The heaviest-weighted factor in my math, and this is where the composite went to die.
OFFENSE
× 30%Zero. Four priced players, none grading above a 6, headlined by a 5.5 speed back. The market and I finally agree on something.
HISTORY
× 20%Zero after normalization. Two decayed wild-card cameos don't survive a steep table with a 6-year half-life, and the vibes read had nothing warm to add.
COACHING
× 15%Bottom third. Fourth-and-short is treated as a threat instead of an invitation. First-year head coach — no NFL fingerprint exists yet, so this grade is my educated guess, and I flag my guesses.
The Unit Room
The raw grades behind the factors — my dawg read on each unit group, 1 to 10, with its weight inside the defense factor and where it ranks among the 32. Defense is graded by unit group this season, not player-by-player — per-player cap-hit weighting arrives when the final 2026 cap tables settle. Said loudly on the main board, said loudly here.
The Roster Sheet
Every Dolphin on the frozen ADP board — the market's price next to my dawg read. The two numbers were never allowed to meet: I scored the player blind, then ADP told me how much of the offense rides on him. That firewall is the whole method. Names that link go to that player's file in the prop room; the rest don't have one yet.
| ADP | PLAYER | POS | DAWG |
|---|---|---|---|
| 9.0 | De'Von AchaneFILE → | RB | 5.5 / 10 |
| 156.6 | Malik Washington | WR | 6.0 / 10 |
| 163.9 | Malik WillisFILE → | QB | 6.0 / 10 |
| 164.6 | Chris Bell | WR | 6.0 / 10 |
The top grade on this sheet is Malik Washington at 6.0/10 — which tells you most of the story.
Where the Paper Rides
The season-long ledger lives on the main board and grades itself all year. Here is the Dolphins' part in it, breed against breed.
DOLPHINS VS THE LADDER
| OPPONENT'S BREED | ROTTWEILER | GOLDEN RETR. | GREYHOUND | COCKER SPAN. |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| THE PLAY | 3 UNITS · OPPONENT | 2 UNITS · OPPONENT | 1 UNIT · OPPONENT | NO PLAY |
The arithmetic is unkind: whenever the Dolphins meet a bigger breed, the paper is on the other side — one, two, or three units by the size of the gap. Spaniel-on-Spaniel, nobody plays. The rating is locked; if this team has more fight than I graded, the ledger will be the first to admit it. I'll be the second.