MIAMI DOLPHINS
9.9. The lowest score on the board and the most decisive result this model produced. Dead last in offense dawg — a 5.5 speed back is the headline act — dead last in the history column, and a frozen board that could only find four Dolphins worth pricing at all. Fast is not the stat. Warm-weather is not the stat. I don't do mercy, but for the record: the sub-scores wouldn't have allowed any.
The Four Factors
Each factor is normalized 0–100 across the league — 100 is first, 0 is dead last — then weighted into the 9.9. Weights are the same for all 32 teams: defense 35, offense 30, history 20, coaching 15.
DEFENSE
× 35%Bottom five. The heaviest-weighted factor in my math, and this is where the composite went to die.
OFFENSE
× 30%Zero. Four priced players, none grading above a 6, headlined by a 5.5 speed back. The market and I finally agree on something.
HISTORY
× 20%Zero after normalization. Two decayed wild-card cameos don't survive a steep table with a 6-year half-life, and the vibes read had nothing warm to add.
COACHING
× 15%Bottom third. Fourth-and-short is treated as a threat instead of an invitation. First-year head coach — no NFL fingerprint exists yet, so this grade is my educated guess, and I flag my guesses.
The Unit Room
The raw grades behind the factors — my dawg read on each unit group, 1 to 10, with its weight inside the defense factor and where it ranks among the 32. Defense is graded by unit group this season, not player-by-player — per-player cap-hit weighting arrives when the final 2026 cap tables settle. Said loudly on the main board, said loudly here.
The Roster Sheet
Every Dolphin on the frozen ADP board — the market's price next to my dawg read. The two numbers were never allowed to meet: I scored the player blind, then ADP told me how much of the offense rides on him. That firewall is the whole method. Every name links to that player's dawg file; the PROP FILE chip goes to his page in the prop room. Anyone rated after the board froze sits at the bottom as UNPRICED — same blind grade, no market number.
| ADP | PLAYER | POS | DAWG |
|---|---|---|---|
| 9.0 | De'Von AchanePROP FILE → | RB | 5.5 / 10 |
| 156.6 | Malik Washington | WR | 6.0 / 10 |
| 163.9 | Malik WillisPROP FILE → | QB | 6.0 / 10 |
| 164.6 | Chris Bell | WR | 6.0 / 10 |
The top grade on this sheet is Malik Washington at 6.0/10 — which tells you most of the story.
Where the Paper Rides
The season-long ledger lives on the main board and grades itself all year. Here is the Dolphins' part in it, breed against breed.
DOLPHINS VS THE LADDER
| OPPONENT'S BREED | ROTTWEILER | GOLDEN RETR. | GREYHOUND | COCKER SPAN. |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| THE PLAY | 3 UNITS · OPPONENT | 2 UNITS · OPPONENT | 1 UNIT · OPPONENT | NO PLAY |
The arithmetic is unkind: whenever the Dolphins meet a bigger breed, the paper is on the other side — one, two, or three units by the size of the gap. Spaniel-on-Spaniel, nobody plays. The rating is locked; if this team has more fight than I graded, the ledger will be the first to admit it. I'll be the second.