CINCINNATI BENGALS
The only zero in the defense column, and it wasn't close — five unit groups, none grading above a 6.5, the flattest bad defense I scored. Now the other half: the quarterback and the top receiver are both 8.5s and the offense graded 71. A team that scores like a Rottweiler and tackles like a throw pillow doesn't average into a Greyhound. It grades like what it is: a house pet with a famous right hook.
The Four Factors
Each factor is normalized 0–100 across the league — 100 is first, 0 is dead last — then weighted into the 27.6. Weights are the same for all 32 teams: defense 35, offense 30, history 20, coaching 15.
DEFENSE
× 35%Zero. Normalized dead last across the composite of five unit groups, none above 6.5. Somebody had to be the floor, and it wasn't a coin flip.
OFFENSE
× 30%Top-third. Blind grades first, market weights second — the sheet below shows both.
HISTORY
× 20%League-middle. The ring-counter found scraps, so the franchise-vibes read — 40% of this column — is doing the heavy lifting.
COACHING
× 15%League-middle fingerprint. Goes for it when the book insists, punts when it merely suggests.
The Unit Room
The raw grades behind the factors — my dawg read on each unit group, 1 to 10, with its weight inside the defense factor and where it ranks among the 32. Defense is graded by unit group this season, not player-by-player — per-player cap-hit weighting arrives when the final 2026 cap tables settle. Said loudly on the main board, said loudly here.
The Roster Sheet
Every Bengal on the frozen ADP board — the market's price next to my dawg read. The two numbers were never allowed to meet: I scored the player blind, then ADP told me how much of the offense rides on him. That firewall is the whole method. Names that link go to that player's file in the prop room; the rest don't have one yet.
| ADP | PLAYER | POS | DAWG |
|---|---|---|---|
| 3.9 | Ja'Marr ChaseFILE → | WR | 8.5 / 10 |
| 15.8 | Chase BrownFILE → | RB | 7.0 / 10 |
| 26.4 | Tee Higgins | WR | 7.5 / 10 |
| 46.9 | Joe BurrowFILE → | QB | 8.5 / 10 |
Ja'Marr Chase is the dawg the rest of this sheet answers to — a 8.5. A quarterback priced at 46.9 with an 8.5 dawg grade is why QBs get a weight bump in my math — fantasy prices the position cheap for reasons that have nothing to do with identity.
Where the Paper Rides
The season-long ledger lives on the main board and grades itself all year. Here is the Bengals' part in it, breed against breed.
BENGALS VS THE LADDER
| OPPONENT'S BREED | ROTTWEILER | GOLDEN RETR. | GREYHOUND | COCKER SPAN. |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| THE PLAY | 3 UNITS · OPPONENT | 2 UNITS · OPPONENT | 1 UNIT · OPPONENT | NO PLAY |
The arithmetic is unkind: whenever the Bengals meet a bigger breed, the paper is on the other side — one, two, or three units by the size of the gap. Spaniel-on-Spaniel, nobody plays. The rating is locked; if this team has more fight than I graded, the ledger will be the first to admit it. I'll be the second.